


Genitalus Itcharus!

by ThreeHats



Category: Brady Bunch, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 16:13:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6335671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeHats/pseuds/ThreeHats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One simple mistake can cost them the rest of their lives.  All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Genitalus Itcharus!

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.

 **Characters** : Jaden Yuki, Professor Snape  
 **Location:** The Brady Bunch house  
 **Scenario:** Everyone's balls itch all the time

 

Jaden Yuki sat excitedly behind the dinner table sandwiched by people that he had never met before but was excited to be around. Four smaller children gathered around a smaller table off to the side, and Jaden was lucky enough to be considered an "adult" and sat with the older members of the family, who he believed were Marsha and Greg Brady, as well as their parents. Directly to his right sat a man in silence--he was tall, with dark hair and clothes and an even darker expression. Jaden had felt his heart skip a beat when he saw the man; his height and demeanor was enough to catch Jaden off-guard, not that Jaden wasn't frequently caught off-guard by anything that didn't revolve around card games. When he grew older, Jaden would perhaps reflect upon how wise a decision it was to waste his parents' life savings on his tuition for a school for professional card players, which he would later find out was a giant hoax and that the YuGiOh Cards he had been playing with were actually knock-off Pokemon cards that the headmaster had mistakenly bought from a black market factory in China.

But Jaden was not yet an adult, and in the meantime, was blissfully ignorant of anything outside of the Brady's lovely home.

"I'm so glad that you decided to join us for dinner, Jaden," Mrs. Brady said, offering Jaden a chance to take his share from a large bowl of mashed potatoes. "I've heard so much about you from Cindy that I feel like I practically know you now."

Jaden blushed, though he wasn't sure why. "She talks about me a lot, huh?"

"More than you know, son," Mr. Brady laughed as he spooned broccoli onto his plate.

"I can hear you!" Cindy huffed from the other table, and Jaden grinned sheepishly.

"And you, Mr. Snape," Mrs. Brady offered the same bowl to the large, silent man beside the duelist. "Cindy has told us that you have been absolutely key in her development as a player. We simply had to have you over as thanks."

Severus Snape nodded, grunting abruptly in response in a most unsexy voice. Mr. Snape... Jaden had heard that name before. He was one of the toughest teachers at Duelist Academy.

"Whoa," the sound escaped Jaden's lips before he realized, and he whipped around to look at Cindy who was still awkwardly at the child's table. "Cindy, you tested into Traps and Magic 311? That's incredible!"

"Indeed she did, Mr. Yuki," Snape's voice did not match anything about him, it coming out as a pinched, gargled noise from his drooping lips and cheeks. "One would hope that most children of your age could. But I see that is not the case."

Jaden made a stupid anime face as a small breath escaped him, eventually falling out of his chair with a comical groan.

"Oh my goodness, are you all right?" Mrs. Brady exclaimed, but Jaden had already recovered through some law of animated physics.

"It's all right, mom," Cindy said, grinning. "He does it all the time."

"That seems... really dangerous," Mrs. Brady continued, not entirely covinced. "You should probably see a doctor if you're fainting regularly."

"Oh! Mom, Dad! Mr. Snape taught us a new spell yesterday. Do you want to see?"

The Brady parents exchanged a surprised glance. Jaden also found himself surprised, but that was nothing new. 

"You're teaching them actual magic, Mr. Snape?" Mr. Brady cautiously asked, and Snape nodded once again.

"Indeed I am. It is in the title of the class, after all."

Jaden found himself in a rare moment of cohesion as he said to himself, "I thought that was referring to magic cards...."

It was too late, however, as Cindy got to her feet with a collapsible wand in hand that she had pulled out of a pocket. She waved, then struck the air, crying out the magical words: "Genitalus Itcharus!"  
Nothing happened.

A few moments of silence passed between all members of the table as they breathlessly waited for something to happen in response to the spell. But nothing did.

However, Jaden felt something stir from deep within him after the table had started to go back to their conversations, laughing lightheartedly at Cindy's mistake as she tried so hard to make it work. Snape said nothing, his face somehow pulling down even farther as though something were amiss.

As Jaden concentrated more on the feeling that he felt, lower now, in the base of his guts, he realized that it was not... in fact... inside of him that he felt it. It was outside. And it was not his guts.  
It was his genitals.

Suddenly, the conversation died down once again, and it seemed that everyone had bitten into the same lemon that Snape had, judging from the expressions on everyone's face. Jaden reached down to try and scratch his tiny preteen balls discreetely, but after looking over to his right, saw that Snape was already doing the same. The Brady's shifted uncomfortably in their seats, and it seemed that everyone had suddenly been struck with this affliction.

"Cindy..." Snape said finally, his voice measured and calm, but clearly restrained. "It was Gerbialis Fliparus."

Cindy's eyes widened, her hand inching down to her pelvis desperately. Snape's eyes narrowed, and he continued, his voice mustering up as much gravitas as he possibly could.  
"We shall have to scratch our balls... Forever."

Everyone leapt to their feet, trying any way they possibly could to scratch their genitals, but it was all for naught. They lost their jobs. They dropped out of school. They did nothing but eat, scratch their balls, sleep in short, ball-scratching bursts, and poop while scratching their balls. Even the girls. They soon took to scratching their balls on furniture, which is where L'il John got the idea for the music video for "Turn Down For What". None of them were compensated, and they died, all of their hands clutching deep down inside their pants.


End file.
